Breaking up with Bridezilla
Bridezilla. You’ve likely heard the term. Maybe you’ve used it in a self-deprecating way or about someone else. Maybe you meant it as a light-hearted joke, maybe you didn’t. You’re not alone. When I get into a conversation with people about what I do, about 40% of the time the term bridezilla comes up. Some want to hear “horror” stories of difficult brides and how I stand up to their infinite list of ridiculous demands.
A light Google search on this term will provide results in two veins. First, tales of brides behaving badly used as entertainment for others. The second is seemingly helpful articles for the monsters themselves like “top tips to avoid becoming bridezilla”. Surprise, surprise, we have a very different approach.
It’s time to break-up with bridezilla. It’s overdue.
Why? So glad you asked. 😉
Where does the word come from?
Bridezilla is a blend of two seemingly opposite words becoming one. Let’s look at them in the traditional sense:
Bride represents purity, agreeableness, beauty, grace, and submissiveness (major eye roll - I know, but stay with me here). She will be given away, like property, by her father to her husband. She is something to be controlled and should remain in control of her feelings.
Godzilla is a character in a horror movie; a property-destroying, out of control, terrifying, monster. With time, the movie is seen as less scary and Godzilla has become more of a creature to be mocked.
These words come together to describe an overly demanding, difficult bride who will push anyone aside to get what she wants. It’s a word that started making its way into conversation in the 90s and now, it’s unfortunately an all-too-common part of how people think and talk about women.
Since when is it wrong to want what you want?
It’s safe to say, being a bridezilla is thought of as a bad thing. Terms like this are used to put women in their “place.” Some brides are conscious about how they advocate for themselves out of fear of acting like or being painted as a bridezilla.
The wedding services industry revenue in the United States is expected to hit $70.3 billion in 2023 and weddings themselves are filled with decisions to be made. Venue, menu, flowers, favors, attire, invitations, entertainment, guest list and all the details in between. It’s a lot.
With so many decisions to be made, why is it a bad thing to stand your ground on your preferences? Why shouldn’t brides be assertive about how they want to spend their money, how they want to look and feel or what kind of experience they want to create for their special day? Shouldn’t we all want that for ourselves? Don’t we all deserve to be supported in our own decisions about the things that matter most to us? Would a man who is making his own choices and decisions get the same kind of criticism? Or would he be praised for being direct, confident, and decisive?
Brides are being boxed in
So, how do I respond when someone asks me how I deal with bridezillas? Well, I get super geared up and ready to completely… BORE them 😆. Do I want to say something like: “Sorry, can’t relate to reducing women to a stereotype”?
Of course.
Do I?
Ehhh, it typically sounds more like this:
“It is my personal belief and lived experience that women are not inherently difficult. However, I do see us constantly being put into situations that are.”
This goes beyond planning a wedding. Let's be real, this is life as a woman. America Ferrera’s monologue in Barbie, anyone?
Video collage made by Hillary O’Dell with a photo owned by Everett Collection/Rex Features
Just like the pressures put on our body's appearance, the spotlight shines even brighter during major life events. Weddings are believed to be one of the top most stressful life events. And yet, society has a lack of empathy and a surplus of criticism for how we navigate this time. Terms like bridezilla add to the pressure cooker of “unrealistic perfectionism.”
We can’t feel frustrated in a frustrating situation. We’re expected to be content.
We can't feel stressed out in a stressful situation. We're supposed to be patient.
We can't feel rage in an enraging situation. We are to be calm.
The moment we break under the pressure - Watch out, here comes bridezilla!
The Shame Game
Society is holding women to an impossible standard and adds another means of control to the equation: shame.
If reprimanding us for “poor behavior” doesn’t work, then turn us into a caricature to be mocked. You see this time and time again in systems of power: whether it’s the treatment of immigrants who aren’t assimilating according to expectations or the stereotypical bully and the “new kid” at school. If fear or punishment doesn't work in gaining control, demean them, reduce what is important to them to a joke.
Oh and isn’t it ironic that these frivolous things brides care about are also the feminine standard society expects us to adhere to?!
Now, this might seem like a stretch from these examples to the term bridezilla, some might say “it’s just a joke.” But is it? Disparagement humor is used as a cover for toxic speech: racism, misogyny, homophobia, and xenophobia, to name a few. This has become so normalized that, not only are people unintentionally participating in these larger systems, but those who call this out tend to be the ones who are criticized for overreacting and being too sensitive.
At Hilandel, we want to set a higher standard
What if we celebrated brides for knowing what they want? For advocating for what they want? For choosing themselves over others? At Hilandel, we do. Maybe it’s because I feel protective of my clients; maybe it’s because I have been criticized for being bossy, demanding, and picky; maybe I want to fight for women supporting one another, instead of tearing each other down with terms like bridezilla.
I celebrate the truth that women have preferences. I will never shame them into a decision that doesn’t feel aligned because they’re afraid of being labeled as difficult. I will always be in my brides’ corner.
xx-H
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